Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize