I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just blew my weed a kiss
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
