So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
