I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
