you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
