Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
