how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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