I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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