Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
