Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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