You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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