"it" just moved
Too much gin, very little bucket
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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