I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
