please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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