im having a threesome with these popsicles
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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