I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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