just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We smell like vodka and hangover
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