Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
