I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize