Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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