so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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