New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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