you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
the liver wants what the liver wants
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
