You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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