My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you had me at cake vodka
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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