Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
