You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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