please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I party with great urgency now.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
