There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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