I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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