He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
