He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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