i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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