I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize