Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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