I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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