I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
