theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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