My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
