If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
