I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
