I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
