mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm getting married
To pizza
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
