I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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