Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
