apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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