Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
