A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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