he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize