i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
