Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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