when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
