Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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