nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
