My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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