Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
