Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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