im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
