Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
