he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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