john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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